My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
