that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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