You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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