I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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