You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
