so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
