GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
