It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
