if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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