We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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