apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
