I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
