She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
