Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
