Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am available for nakedness
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
