I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize