I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize