apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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