Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
