new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
