so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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