Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
