good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He? As in you personified your dick?
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