she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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