I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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