Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
