I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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