my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
