I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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