She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
