I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize