I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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