Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We're too hungover to prance.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
