I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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