At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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