genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you traded sex for a burrito?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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