Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
