He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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