I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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