Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We talked him into tasing himself.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
