I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
