There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
