I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
