I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
