apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
