Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize