Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
