I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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