Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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