He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
