My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
