I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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