If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
