Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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