I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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