Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize