Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
